Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I want to and then I don't....

Hey, it's been a while since my last update. Strange I thought I would be writing on here a lot but it seems that FB groups have helped me stay on track.  I also joined www.myfitnesspal.com and dropped my Weight watchers membership and have lost a grand total of 20 lbs in 12 weeks! My ultimate goal is to drop 2 lbs a week, but with the holidays and such I count it a great success to be down 20! 

It's been a rough few weeks.  First I got sick after Thanksgiving and then finally started to kick that and got so incredibly exhausted. Well a week or so later I figured out it was hormonal and that my TOM was around the corner.  Do you ever have really bad TOM where you are so exhausted and grouchy?  I get those every so often.  Well, then the holiday stress came about (still PMSing) and was a major stress monkey.  I tried on multiple occasions via online and in stores to find gifts for my family back home in Kansas but just wasn't having any luck finding what I wanted or even finding anything that was totally "them". So I spent the last week before Christmas rushing to send it in time. I paid a lot of $$ to ship and USPS still didn't get it there until....cough, cough...sometime today!

Anyway, this post is about the fact that I am overjoyed at my weight loss and I am motivated to kick it in to high gear, but sometimes I just feel so "bleh"..I think it is the fact that if you get out of the habit, you find it hard to get back into it.   I overindulged about 2 days this week, Christmas eve and Christmas day.  I logged those days, but haven't logged since. Today is the first day back logging on www.myfitnesspal.com and honestly I am struggling with cravings.  I think once you let the sugar in, you find it hard to get it out and want more! I definitely want more!!! But alas, no bad in my house thankfully!!!

My new year's goal is to exercise more!  It feels soooo great to not have that dreaded "gonna start this time"...I have already started! Woot!  It's a great feeling to know I am on my journey and I have made progress!  Sticking to it will be my "New year's resolution"..but even that doesn't feel too challenging...because I am so excited to get going!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Update! Almost 20 lbs down!

I am thrilled to say that I am only a couple pounds from losing 20 pounds.  I probably would have been at my goal of 20 lbs lost by now, but I had 2 weeks of no loss which was during my time of the month (TOM).  There was also thanksgiving, I ate what I wanted.  I ended up losing the following week.  The last two weeks I haven't done much exercising, but I have been eating my calories and stayed within my goal or just a little over a couple of days!  I am happy the scale is going down, but it feels like such a very long journey!!!

I think the best thing is hearing my husband encourage me and say he can tell that I am losing!  I am still in just the early stages of the journey.  Anyone who has known me the last 4 years probably won't see a big change yet.  Because, my weight has hoovered in the 250-270's all these past 4 years.  My lowest weight was 220ish when I first met Philip.  SOOOO my big celebrating moment will come when the scale says 219...because that will be the smallest my husband has ever physically seen me in person!!!  He has seen my high school pictures, but I will be thrilled to show him a smaller me in person!  Wow, something to work towards! Even though that is still a while to go !! (roughly 47.8 additional pounds ) But it is a very attainable goal in the next year. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

You always feel better after a workout!

I have been watching my calories or points for about 6 weeks now.  I have lost about 12 pounds.  Something "clicked" with me last week. I decided to finally turn on the Wii and at least just do Wii step for a while.  I knew it wasn't going to be a very intense workout since it's just Wii Fit, but I knew I needed to do something!  I had a 1.4 pound loss the week before but that just didn't seem good enough for me! So I got the step out and started going! I love Wii Step because it is fun for me and I like competing against the scores!  My husband currently has the highest score on the basic step from when he tried it a couple years ago.  I wanted to beat that!  I kept working but still didn't break his score.  About that time, my daughter woke up from her nap.  I had this idea to just put in my Turbo Jam workout that I have had for 5 years now.  I bought it back even before I was married and actually when I was about 50 lbs less than I am now...Turbo Jam Infomercial  


I decided to just "watch" the video.  I turned it on and sat down.  A few minutes into it I realized I could do this.  So I got up and tried it.  I did about 15 minutes of the 45 minute Cardio Party.  The next day I did the 20 minute workout and the day after that I did the Turbo Sculpt 43 minute workout!  I admit it's hard to get me motivated to workout.  I don't like to at all.  Cardio was not my favorite thing to do, in my slimmer days I was strength training all the way! But these days, especially with how out of shape I am I have decided I need to do Cardio and actually like it once I get going. 

It's true....Nothing feels as good as when you finish a good workout! You truly feel so much better after a workout!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A month down and 10 lbs gone!!!

Wow, so I haven't blogged in a whole month!  I really thought I would be one of those people who would blog like 50x a day.  I created a secret FB group of all my friends I know who want to lose weight and so I update how things are going there.  After I wrote my frustrated post on Oct 2, I pondered "doing something" for a few more days and then jumped in slowly to following my Weight Watchers points, something that I had a membership too for months but never used.  The wake up call came when the scale said 285 for the first time in my life.  The first time ever.  I weighed 281 before giving birth to Chloe, but lost it immediately after having her. I started following Weight loss FB pages and felt more and more and more empowered! 

I have been following Weight Watcher points and using Myfitnesspal to track calories for 4 weeks now and the scale read 275.8 today and yesterday!  I have to bask in this, not because I am overly excited, but because I have stuck to something and lost weight!  I was down in the 250s in Jan-March, but gave up very easily.  I find myself looking back and wishing I had only stuck with it.  I could have very easily been 200 pounds by then and smaller than I have been in over 5 years!  But I can't think about that now.  For now, I am happy that I am losing and that I have found awesome support on Facebook.  My next goal is to consistently exercise, something that i haven't yet done.  I need to find something I love and something that keeps me going and motivated!  I have lots of different things like workout DVD's, Wii games, and I could of course walk!  I think once I start moving more I will get even more motivated!  I would like to be down a dress size by Christmas, if not 2. 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Today I hated being fat...

I was actually going to write this blog a week ago, but never got around it.  I started the post in my head so here goes......

Today I hated being fat.  To most people this sounds like a silly thing to say, because most people hate being fat.  For me it is not that concrete of an idea. I haven't liked being big for quite a while, but I haven't hated it bad enough to actually do anything about it.  Today I put on a pair of pants that throughout the course of 4 years have been both "right sized" and "too big" and sadly now, "very very very tight".  They were so tight that my body was very uncomfortable.  It was a wake up call.  Not that I haven't known this was happening.  It was just the first time I put them on and couldn't stand it.  They were so tight that it was like wearing a belt that was 2 sizes too small.  It cut into me like leather and my waist was clearly wider than the width of the pants.  I was able to button it, but that was all I could do.

It made me think.  "When am I actually going to do something about this?"


As I write this post, it is now a week later and I still haven't changed any of my habits.  But the same feeling has been there.  My body, thanks to having had a baby, is not the same.  I have a very large bulge in my stomach where I didn't used to have as much excess fat. 

I weighed myself for the first time in a long time yesterday and the scale was the highest in my life.  Even higher than my pregnancy weight.  If that doesn't wake me up then what will???!!  My fear is of reaching the cusp of another weight.  If I am apathetic any longer that is what will happen.  That scale CANNOT go up any higher! I can't let it!!!

People talk about losing weight and that they "will do anything".  But the truth is, the thought of "doing everything" scares me and disgusts me.  I like food.  I like to eat.  I like the feeling of plump satisfaction when I eat past full.  I am just being honest!! The couch is such a soft little friend.  But the truth is, it is keeping me from truly enjoying all that life has to offer.  Maybe if I get off of my little friend the couch more often I will be able to walk without being winded or dance without parts of my body bouncing that are uncomfortable to see and feel!!! I want to take a picture and not want to press the "delete" button when I see it! 


I have the tools, I just need to make the effort!! And stop making excuses!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

What is it going to take?

Perhaps this post is a bit inappropriate or embarrassing but I don't care. To make my point I have to include this information.  My husband took a picture of me laying in bed today.  I was so completely disgusted with my body I couldn't believe it.  No literally, I COULDN'T believe it!  I am not quite sure how when I am moving in my day to day life I don't think "oh you are very very obese Courtney".  I am dead serious, I don't.  I can't say it is confidence per say, is it denial?  But even then I am not entirely sure it is denial because I am not exactly avoiding the truth.  I still look at myself in the mirror and my reflection on store glass.  I don't like what I see, but whenever I see myself in photos--that is when it becomes REAL to me.

It is hard for me to believe that I am this size.  So maybe it is denial.  It is like I become two persons.  I am Courtney from 10 years ago in my head and live in denial of the fact I wear size 3x shirts and 24 pants.  And then there is the Courtney in pictures that shows all of my 277 pounds.  I am not both of these but maybe letting go of the Courtney from 10 years ago will finally help me.  I didn't just work out yesterday (as I did quite often when I was smaller) and I no longer weigh 165.  Perhaps from a psychological stand point letting go of that Courtney and embracing the long journey to the new Courtney I want to become will better suit me. I am holding on so hard to that old Courtney because that Courtney was pretty and could wear cute clothes.  But (and I am not beating up on myself here) that Courtney isn't the me now.  The Courtney now has fat rolls beginning on her neck and a very very round face that is at least an 1/2 inch wider on either side. 

Maybe facing that reality will actually help me begin to "start".  Even after seeing that horrible picture of me I am not entirely excited to exercise.  I took a first step today by buying a heart rate monitor.  And I envisioned myself working out.  Hmm..does that sound bad? LOL

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Who I am...

I am 25 days from being 28 years old.  I am an Army wife who just finished the 2nd deployment with my spouse overseas.  I have a 11 month old baby girl named Chloe.  Those are the important points....oh and I am 277 pounds.  I have tried to lose weight probably 50 million times since I was like 10.  I was always about 20 lbs overweight as a kid.  I loved to eat.  I could snarf down a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries at McDonalds when I was 12.  I was always hungry and could always eat.  The pain of stuffing myself never seemed to bother me.  I could always seem to eat more.  Back then I got joy from buffets and fast food.  Every other weekend I visited my dad and we would eat out at least once.  My favorite was Taco Tico.  We would buy about 2 dozen tacos and the leftovers would sit out overnight and I would eat them for breakfast.  I loved the soggy taste of them! 

So with a food/weight journey like that it's no surprise that once the "desire" to be thin left--which happened sometime between college and right after marriage--I got fat...the largest ever. 

So right now I am somewhere between needing to lose and wanting to lose the weight.  Intellectually I want to lose it.  I mean, does anyone besides sumo wrestlers want to weigh a lot?  But emotionally and mentally, I haven't really wanted to put forth any effort.  I have been watching my husband do his P90x workouts everyday for 35 days.  I will admit there is a part of me--deep inside--that wants to do it with him.  There it is...that spark, the spark I had 10 years ago.  It's pretty tiny right now.  I have spent 3/4 of my adult life being over 250+ pounds.  It's what I know. 

It's been so long that I forget what having a smaller waist is like.  I have been in size 20 and above for 6 years.  I haven't shopped in the "normal" size section in over 10 years.  Sadly, even when I could fit in standard size clothing (size 12/14 is my smallest ever post puberty size) I never relished the fact.  I was always staring at the girls size 10 and below.  I always was thinking, "I want to be like her".  I rarely, if ever, looked in the mirror and thought: "I look good, I like myself."  Size 14 was "Plus size" to me.  And now that I am in "Plus size" I guess I don't totally care.  Don't get me wrong, I care.  But maybe not enough to do something about it? Not sure. 

I care enough to write this blog.  This is me talking to myself.  This is me figuring out why I am fat and how to finally lose this weight.