Perhaps this post is a bit inappropriate or embarrassing but I don't care. To make my point I have to include this information. My husband took a picture of me laying in bed today. I was so completely disgusted with my body I couldn't believe it. No literally, I COULDN'T believe it! I am not quite sure how when I am moving in my day to day life I don't think "oh you are very very obese Courtney". I am dead serious, I don't. I can't say it is confidence per say, is it denial? But even then I am not entirely sure it is denial because I am not exactly avoiding the truth. I still look at myself in the mirror and my reflection on store glass. I don't like what I see, but whenever I see myself in photos--that is when it becomes REAL to me.
It is hard for me to believe that I am this size. So maybe it is denial. It is like I become two persons. I am Courtney from 10 years ago in my head and live in denial of the fact I wear size 3x shirts and 24 pants. And then there is the Courtney in pictures that shows all of my 277 pounds. I am not both of these but maybe letting go of the Courtney from 10 years ago will finally help me. I didn't just work out yesterday (as I did quite often when I was smaller) and I no longer weigh 165. Perhaps from a psychological stand point letting go of that Courtney and embracing the long journey to the new Courtney I want to become will better suit me. I am holding on so hard to that old Courtney because that Courtney was pretty and could wear cute clothes. But (and I am not beating up on myself here) that Courtney isn't the me now. The Courtney now has fat rolls beginning on her neck and a very very round face that is at least an 1/2 inch wider on either side.
Maybe facing that reality will actually help me begin to "start". Even after seeing that horrible picture of me I am not entirely excited to exercise. I took a first step today by buying a heart rate monitor. And I envisioned myself working out. Hmm..does that sound bad? LOL
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Who I am...
I am 25 days from being 28 years old. I am an Army wife who just finished the 2nd deployment with my spouse overseas. I have a 11 month old baby girl named Chloe. Those are the important points....oh and I am 277 pounds. I have tried to lose weight probably 50 million times since I was like 10. I was always about 20 lbs overweight as a kid. I loved to eat. I could snarf down a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries at McDonalds when I was 12. I was always hungry and could always eat. The pain of stuffing myself never seemed to bother me. I could always seem to eat more. Back then I got joy from buffets and fast food. Every other weekend I visited my dad and we would eat out at least once. My favorite was Taco Tico. We would buy about 2 dozen tacos and the leftovers would sit out overnight and I would eat them for breakfast. I loved the soggy taste of them!
So with a food/weight journey like that it's no surprise that once the "desire" to be thin left--which happened sometime between college and right after marriage--I got fat...the largest ever.
So right now I am somewhere between needing to lose and wanting to lose the weight. Intellectually I want to lose it. I mean, does anyone besides sumo wrestlers want to weigh a lot? But emotionally and mentally, I haven't really wanted to put forth any effort. I have been watching my husband do his P90x workouts everyday for 35 days. I will admit there is a part of me--deep inside--that wants to do it with him. There it is...that spark, the spark I had 10 years ago. It's pretty tiny right now. I have spent 3/4 of my adult life being over 250+ pounds. It's what I know.
It's been so long that I forget what having a smaller waist is like. I have been in size 20 and above for 6 years. I haven't shopped in the "normal" size section in over 10 years. Sadly, even when I could fit in standard size clothing (size 12/14 is my smallest ever post puberty size) I never relished the fact. I was always staring at the girls size 10 and below. I always was thinking, "I want to be like her". I rarely, if ever, looked in the mirror and thought: "I look good, I like myself." Size 14 was "Plus size" to me. And now that I am in "Plus size" I guess I don't totally care. Don't get me wrong, I care. But maybe not enough to do something about it? Not sure.
I care enough to write this blog. This is me talking to myself. This is me figuring out why I am fat and how to finally lose this weight.
So with a food/weight journey like that it's no surprise that once the "desire" to be thin left--which happened sometime between college and right after marriage--I got fat...the largest ever.
So right now I am somewhere between needing to lose and wanting to lose the weight. Intellectually I want to lose it. I mean, does anyone besides sumo wrestlers want to weigh a lot? But emotionally and mentally, I haven't really wanted to put forth any effort. I have been watching my husband do his P90x workouts everyday for 35 days. I will admit there is a part of me--deep inside--that wants to do it with him. There it is...that spark, the spark I had 10 years ago. It's pretty tiny right now. I have spent 3/4 of my adult life being over 250+ pounds. It's what I know.
It's been so long that I forget what having a smaller waist is like. I have been in size 20 and above for 6 years. I haven't shopped in the "normal" size section in over 10 years. Sadly, even when I could fit in standard size clothing (size 12/14 is my smallest ever post puberty size) I never relished the fact. I was always staring at the girls size 10 and below. I always was thinking, "I want to be like her". I rarely, if ever, looked in the mirror and thought: "I look good, I like myself." Size 14 was "Plus size" to me. And now that I am in "Plus size" I guess I don't totally care. Don't get me wrong, I care. But maybe not enough to do something about it? Not sure.
I care enough to write this blog. This is me talking to myself. This is me figuring out why I am fat and how to finally lose this weight.
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