I am 25 days from being 28 years old. I am an Army wife who just finished the 2nd deployment with my spouse overseas. I have a 11 month old baby girl named Chloe. Those are the important points....oh and I am 277 pounds. I have tried to lose weight probably 50 million times since I was like 10. I was always about 20 lbs overweight as a kid. I loved to eat. I could snarf down a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries at McDonalds when I was 12. I was always hungry and could always eat. The pain of stuffing myself never seemed to bother me. I could always seem to eat more. Back then I got joy from buffets and fast food. Every other weekend I visited my dad and we would eat out at least once. My favorite was Taco Tico. We would buy about 2 dozen tacos and the leftovers would sit out overnight and I would eat them for breakfast. I loved the soggy taste of them!
So with a food/weight journey like that it's no surprise that once the "desire" to be thin left--which happened sometime between college and right after marriage--I got fat...the largest ever.
So right now I am somewhere between needing to lose and wanting to lose the weight. Intellectually I want to lose it. I mean, does anyone besides sumo wrestlers want to weigh a lot? But emotionally and mentally, I haven't really wanted to put forth any effort. I have been watching my husband do his P90x workouts everyday for 35 days. I will admit there is a part of me--deep inside--that wants to do it with him. There it is...that spark, the spark I had 10 years ago. It's pretty tiny right now. I have spent 3/4 of my adult life being over 250+ pounds. It's what I know.
It's been so long that I forget what having a smaller waist is like. I have been in size 20 and above for 6 years. I haven't shopped in the "normal" size section in over 10 years. Sadly, even when I could fit in standard size clothing (size 12/14 is my smallest ever post puberty size) I never relished the fact. I was always staring at the girls size 10 and below. I always was thinking, "I want to be like her". I rarely, if ever, looked in the mirror and thought: "I look good, I like myself." Size 14 was "Plus size" to me. And now that I am in "Plus size" I guess I don't totally care. Don't get me wrong, I care. But maybe not enough to do something about it? Not sure.
I care enough to write this blog. This is me talking to myself. This is me figuring out why I am fat and how to finally lose this weight.
Hi Courtney. I wish you the best on this journey. I am just beginning my journey to lose over 250 lbs. By "beginning", I mean I am making losing weight a priority. I have been on a diet since I was 11 years old. There hasn't been a day since then that I didn't think about dieting and wanting to be thinner. I wish I could have done something about it sooner. Now, I realize that dieting doesn't work. That I need to make changes in my eating and exercising and keep them for life.
ReplyDeleteThere are many reasons to care about losing weight. I now have high blood pressure, high cholesterol and Type II Diabetes. All of this could have been prevented if I would have taken care of myself when I was in my 20's.
Good luck Courtney, you can do this.