Perhaps this post is a bit inappropriate or embarrassing but I don't care. To make my point I have to include this information. My husband took a picture of me laying in bed today. I was so completely disgusted with my body I couldn't believe it. No literally, I COULDN'T believe it! I am not quite sure how when I am moving in my day to day life I don't think "oh you are very very obese Courtney". I am dead serious, I don't. I can't say it is confidence per say, is it denial? But even then I am not entirely sure it is denial because I am not exactly avoiding the truth. I still look at myself in the mirror and my reflection on store glass. I don't like what I see, but whenever I see myself in photos--that is when it becomes REAL to me.
It is hard for me to believe that I am this size. So maybe it is denial. It is like I become two persons. I am Courtney from 10 years ago in my head and live in denial of the fact I wear size 3x shirts and 24 pants. And then there is the Courtney in pictures that shows all of my 277 pounds. I am not both of these but maybe letting go of the Courtney from 10 years ago will finally help me. I didn't just work out yesterday (as I did quite often when I was smaller) and I no longer weigh 165. Perhaps from a psychological stand point letting go of that Courtney and embracing the long journey to the new Courtney I want to become will better suit me. I am holding on so hard to that old Courtney because that Courtney was pretty and could wear cute clothes. But (and I am not beating up on myself here) that Courtney isn't the me now. The Courtney now has fat rolls beginning on her neck and a very very round face that is at least an 1/2 inch wider on either side.
Maybe facing that reality will actually help me begin to "start". Even after seeing that horrible picture of me I am not entirely excited to exercise. I took a first step today by buying a heart rate monitor. And I envisioned myself working out. Hmm..does that sound bad? LOL
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